My Dad Can Beat Up The President of Texas

I read yesterday that Chuck Norris is considering a presidential run. The thing is... he is waiting for his "always ready" Texas to secede from the American union. He says Texas is full of people who have been waiting for their own country to emerge and he is ready to lead them into war scenarios not unlike those in his badly produced movies.

OK, he's an idiot. An old bull-headed, white, rich, cold stone of a dead brained man. I won't listen to him. Here is the reason why.

I was maybe 12, and I had recently been given a Pic 'n Save dollar bin action figure of Chuck Norris. His Karate Commandos television series was waning in popularity and my father's girlfriend was always fast to bring back toys and treats for us from these discount stores. My dad found me struggling to play with the Norris doll. 

With joking jive coolness he said, "Why you playin' with a Norris doll? You should be playin' with a dad doll!" I responded  by telling him that obviously because that would not be cool. 

My father persisted. "You know my friend Magoo, right?" Of course I knew Magoo. Forever balding, friendly and bespectacled, Magoo was the proud keeper of a poster of a vintage naked bicycle race poster in his workshop bathroom. I peed a lot when I visited his place. 

"Magoo was a regional karate champion and he sparred with Norris and beat him.", said my pop. "Yeah. So?", I replied trying to seem uninterested. 

"Well, when I spar with Magoo, I always beat him. So, I could beat your little Norris, Jack! Magoo beat Norris, I beat Magoo!", said my dad excitedly.

I couldn't help be embarrassed, amused and proud all at the same time. My dad regularly seems to have this affect on me. 

So, Mr. Norris. Bring your "New Texas". I have an old, also mustachioed friend who's most used mantra is, "They'll never take us alive!!", this mostly heard being yelled to me as helicopters chased us away from places my dad would let us illegally ride dirt bikes.

Yes, like a scene from one of your badly produced movies but... in real life, Chuck.

That's how we roll, yo. Heard?

I, nor my father are scared of your weak, weak heart or your sad, sad mind. 

Or of your tiny, tiny fist.